this is what it is

I'm only human and that's my saving grace. -Haley James Scott, Halo

This is an entry I never expect myself to write. Nevertheless, this is something I need to do for myself. Given that my 22nd is looming around the corner, this is some sorta release. To a brand new start. That's what it is.

I have been quiet for sometime now not because I have the sudden desire to blog using anagrams but I have learnt to appreciate the value of time and I have used time to my advantage in so many more ways than one.

2007 has not been a good year for me. But what happened two months ago sapped all the life out of me. For a girl who always took pride in being strong all the time, I crumbled. I brought it all upon myself because...

I hurt the man I love. The man whom I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

I was wrong.

I let you down, Rizal.

An emotional rollercoaster ride followed suit. I was angry. Angry at those who chose not to speak up for me, who chose to forget the many times I said I can't do this. I love him so much. This is all too foreign and weird. Angry at the betrayal.

Then I realized I only got myself to blame. I was angry with myself. Angry for letting hurt get the better of me. Angry that I chose to act without thinking. I do not know how else to describe it but the pain, oh my god, the pain.

I have never felt anything so raw and so.. real.

I cried. Yes, I cried. Nights that I cried myself to sleep. Times when I cried for a solid 4 hours on end. I cried till I thought I could cry no more.

Some of you may be laughing right now. You deserve it, you may say.

Yes, I do. I deserve it. Karma has hit me back full force.

But as much as I wish I can erase everything that has happened, I am glad it all happened. I learnt so much from it. They say, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I use the all-important weapon, time. I keep the ones I love closer to me. I have learnt to accept my flaws. I have learnt to let people in. I see things in a positive light. I embrace new challenges. I have learnt to love you more without having you with me.

Rizal, no amount of tears and apologies can erase the hurt and pain I put you through. I can write you a letter with a hundred paragraphs and it still won't be enough. But I hope you'll be able to forgive me someday...